A Difficult Sunday

It was a matter of time that I had to be honest with my parents regarding my results.Dad got back from Japan on saturday.Was glad he was okie and he seemed to have enjoyed the trip.
But guilt overshadowed everytime I looked at him.My results.
The usual dinner on sunday with sis was planned.This time I got mum to go as well.
Needed their opinion.Dinner was hell seriously.
Trying my best to look normal but deep down, I was gathering whatever courage I had in me, was waiting for dinner to end. Did not want to spoil their appetite. Imaged of their disappointed faces floats.I felt like dying.Dinner ended.Hell started.I told them.I heard no dressing-downs, no insults.
Instead, words of support and encouragement.Thats not what I wanted to hear.
I wished dad took something to hit me, mum roared at me.But no! They didnt.
Even with force, I couldnt control my tears.How much I told myself not to cry in front of them......I couldnt.What I did was to control the flow.Found an excuse to leave after dinner.
With their words, their faces, I tortured myself. It was really painful. Regrets regrets regrets.
Just when I thought things were working slowly working out for me, getting a job at a paper company, having a great boss, over and done with relationships, friends and families showered with love and care i couldnt imagine. This had to happen, sending me back to hell.
Couldnt even sleep, couldnt even look at my parents. So scared to fail again.
Although I'm aware of what to focus, this madness being me, will not go away.
I'm fucked..fucked real bad.